A question for 'U
From the Fall 2000 Parent Newsletter
By Rod Loper, University Counseling & Consulting Services.
Dr. Roper has retired, but Scott Slattery now addresses questions
from parents and guardians of University of Minnesota students. Please
address your questions to Dr. Slattery at 612-625-4568, or e-mail
slatt008@umn.edu.
Q: I recently had to call my daughter to tell
her that her grandmother had a stroke and is not expected to recover.
I think I made a mess of it—she ended up telling me she had too
many tests to study for; she couldn't leave school and come home.
And then she asked what I expected her to do about it. We both felt
awful. Is there a good way to deliver bad news?
A: The short answer is probably, "No, there is no
good way to deliver bad news," if avoidance of pain is your goal.
Unexpected bad news comes out of nowhere, as life clashes with an
unwelcome new reality.
When we deliver bad news to a family member face to face, we have
a much richer range of communication tools available, as opposed
to the sudden shock of a phone call. When we are together we usually
have touching, eye contact, and time on our side as we share the
pain.
Human presence takes the edge off the initial shock and denial
for most people, while for some of us, the phone is a necessary
evil and a "cold" medium.
I sympathize with what you and your daughter went through. If you
can think of her response as a howl of pain rather than a self-centered
attack, you are halfway there.
What I like about what you did was that you and your daughter shared
feelings, and you kept the lines of communication open. It sounds
as if you aren't judging each other as we sometimes do in the first
phase of coping with grief and loss. People express themselves in
a variety of ways at times like this. Accept the fact that there
will be emotional ups and downs as you come to terms with this pending
loss of someone who has always been in your lives. Be available
(within reason), and be prepared to reaffirm the value of a good
mother/daughter relationship. |
