A question for 'U
From the Fall 1999 Parent Newsletter
By Rod Loper, University Counseling & Consulting Services.
Dr. Roper has retired, but Scott Slattery now addresses questions
from parents and guardians of University of Minnesota students. Please
address your questions to Dr. Slattery at 612-625-4568, or e-mail
slatt008@umn.edu.
Q: When I attended Parent Orientation this year,
we were told not to become overly alarmed when our student calls home
and tells us that things are not going well or that she's miserable
and unhappy. The Orientation staff told us that students often complain
bitterly to their parents, but an hour or two later, they usually
feel better-they just neglect to tell their parents they feel better.
On the other hand, we heard that college students have high levels
of depression, and some types of mental illness tend to show up among
18 to 22 year olds, so we should be alert to our student's moods.
So how do we know whether to worry when our daughter calls home sounding
depressed or upset?
A: This is a good question. As a parent, you are
hearing the professionals reassuring you about your son's or daughter's
normal need to vent feelings about school or life. Later on, they
give you a list of "warning signs" of the latest risk to young adults.
We professionals do this too often.
It is hard for parents to strike a balance between fostering independence
and letting a crisis slip by unaddressed. Often context is the key.
What is typical of your son or daughter in similar situations in
the past? What's the coping style?
If you are concerned by your child's phone call but unsure how
serious it is, you can tell your student that you're worried. Tell
him or her that things might look better in a day or two, but that
you want to talk about it again the next day. Establish a specific
time when you will call again (to make sure your student is expecting
your call and is in the room); then be prompt about calling back.
There are some experts who think that college students are less
dependent on their parents because college students have a combination
of a rich and varied support system of family, peers, and institutional
resources to help them weather a bad time. If you have a sense that
any of these resources is negative or absent, or if the message
you are hearing is ticking off those warning signs, it is time for
a parental nudge. You can apologize later for being intrusive. I
do this both in my professional life and as a dad.
This is a good question. As a parent, you are hearing the professionals
reassuring you about your son's or daughter's normal need to vent
feelings about school or life. Later on, they give you a list of
"warning signs" of the latest risk to young adults. We professionals
do this too often. It is hard for parents to strike a balance between
fostering independence and letting a crisis slip by unaddressed.
Often context is the key. What is typical of your son or daughter
in similar situations in the past? What's the coping style?
If you are concerned by your child's phone call but unsure how
serious it is, you can tell your student that you're worried. Tell
him or her that things might look better in a day or two, but that
you want to talk about it again the next day. Establish a specific
time when you will call again (to make sure your student is expecting
your call and is in the room); then be prompt about calling back.
There are some experts who think that college students are less
dependent on their parents because college students have a combination
of a rich and varied support system of family, peers, and institutional
resources to help them weather a bad time. If you have a sense that
any of these resources is negative or absent, or if the message
you are hearing is ticking off those warning signs, it is time for
a parental nudge. You can apologize later for being intrusive. I
do this both in my professional life and as a
dad. |
