Q: When my daughter started college last fall, we planned that she would live in the residence hall her first two years. Now she says she wants to get an apartment with three of her friends next year. She says she will eat better, study better, and have fewer expenses than in the residence hall. I think she will be safer and have more time to study if she stays in the dorm. Who's right, and how do we work this out?

A: Ah, yes. Student's wants and needs change—or resurface—as the year progresses. Your first step should be to find out what your daughter wants and needs from a living arrangement, and you should consider what your issues are regarding your daughter's residence. To do this, having a dialogue with your daughter (not an interrogation) could be useful to both of you.

Ask her to identify for you what she needs at this point in her college experience academically, socially, and financially. Try to listen for what's going on right now with her coursework and the social scene in and out of her residence hall.

Without criticizing, reflect back what you hear at this stage—how you understand a new living arrangement would meet her wants and needs, and what resources (human, financial, time, etc.) will be needed to support this lifestyle.

A number of specific issues will need to be discussed. Looking at your budget and hers, determine how much you and she together can afford for room and board. Ask her to find rental prices in the neighborhood where she proposes to live. Different neighborhoods bring up still more factors, such as rental rates, availability of parking, public transportation, and safety. Ask her if the distance from campus will allow her to walk to class, and would she be willing to walk on rainy or cold days? Does she have a car, or would she need one? Many apartments charge extra for parking or have only one parking space for each apartment—is that likely to be a problem if she has three roommates? If she drives to campus, there will be a daily cost for parking in campus lots.

If you will feel comfortable only if she lives in a security building, one with automatically locking entrances, how will that affect rental rates and the neighborhood where she would live? Ask her to factor in all expenses for off-campus living, such as telephone, groceries, transportation, and utilities such as cable, electricity, heat, and water (if they are not included in the rent). Encourage your daughter to look at the overall situation and tell you how it will work for her.

What I am suggesting is that you avoid a debate about the pros and cons in favor of some of what we call "active listening" in which you acknowledge how she feels and thinks about this. It is hard to do this when the choice may seem so obvious to you. Often though, when we simply summarize what we just heard in a nonjudgmental way, we free everybody up to look at what is before us as a student and as a parent dealing with a choice.