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A
question for 'U': The third roommate
From the Fall 2005 Parent Newsletter
"Last year, my first-year student lived in a residence
hall with a roommate. The two got along really well and had a lot
of fun together. Half way through spring semester, however, the
roommate became very withdrawn and seemingly depressed, started
skipping classes, and seldom left their room. My daughter was very
worried about her but didn't know what to do. The two are planning
to live together again this year. If her roommate falls into another "funk," is
there anything my daughter should do to help her?"
Watching the graduates of 2005 accept their diplomas, I had to remind myself
that their success was not only a result of their scholarly accomplishment but
also represented their ability to balance academics with the other challenges
in their lives. Success in college is not simply about being intellectually bright.
Students are like chefs given four to five years to perfect a recipe for academic
success. One of the principal “ingredients” found in most student
recipes is the roommate relationship. When the relationship works, it adds support
and vitality to the recipe; when it doesn’t work, it can sour the mix with
distractions, concern, and frustration. So, what should students like your daughter
do with difficult roommate issues?
To start with, it is important to accurately define the situation. On the surface
one might say this is an issue between two roommates who generally work well
together but are facing an issue. The problem with this description is that it
can be a set-up for conflict (“everything would be fine if you didn’t
have this issue” or “I’m not the problem, you are”).
To guard against this, it helps to imagine there is a third roommate involved.
In this case it would be depression or “the funk.” Whether the third
roommate is a mood such as depression or anxiety or is something else (e.g.,
alcohol abuse), naming the third roommate gives roommates the chance to work
on the problem together.
Third roommate issues put roommates in a tough spot—being torn between
offering support and, just as importantly, taking care of their own needs. Naming
the third roommate eliminates this bind by enabling students to assert their
needs for change and offer genuine support (“the funk is making it difficult
for me to focus when I come back to our room; let’s talk about some options
you can use on campus or how I can help”). This approach helps to remove
the discomfort of talking about personal issues and to move toward change.
The Office for Student Affairs has developed a list of some of the personal characteristics
a successful University of Minnesota student is expected to master before graduation.
Among those traits is the ability to balance independence and interdependence.
In this roommate situation, independence refers to your daughter’s recognition
of her needs, rights, and values, and her ability to confidently assert them;
interdependence refers to her care and compassion for others and the ability
to communicate and negotiate compromises as needed. Like an artful chef, your
daughter can shop around for resources that will add to her list of ingredients
for successful roommate relationships. The options include workshops on communication
and assertiveness, consultation with residence hall staff, and learning the difference
between what she can provide as a friend and what needs professional attention
by someone such as a counselor.
Because assertiveness and knowing about referral options challenge students,
students also need help from their parents, friends, University staff, and others.
Help them now and cheer them on at graduation for what they have learned inside
and outside the classroom.
Read more about the benefits of outside-the-classroom learning experiences at www.parent.umn.edu/newstudents/learning.html.
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Dr. Scott Slattery, University Counseling & Consulting
Services, addresses questions from parents of University of Minnesota
students. He may be reached at 612-625-4568 or slatt008@umn.edu.
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