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Communications : Past Questions for
'U' |
A
question for 'U': roommates
and sharing a living space
From the Fall 2006 Parent Newsletter
"My daughter has never shared
a room before. What if she has a problem with her roommate?
How can she find help in resolving those difficulties?"
I vividly remember my first roommate. It was my brother,
and we had some 'problems'—among
them, he was a world class snorer. While living with him was difficult, the
experience of working through our issues before college proved helpful to me
when I was squeezed into a triple room (which was intended to be a double).
Like me, many students enter college as seasoned veterans of roommate battles.
For students like your daughter, however, dealing with roommate issues is new;
the following are some thoughts, strategies, and suggestions to help her manage
issues like a pro.
- Understand the difference
between conflicts and problems
Conflicts are nothing more than an incompatibility between two people (e.g.,
differences in what people need, believe, or prefer). Thus, if Ann needs
to keep a light on to study, and roommate Barb needs the light off to sleep,
they have a conflict. Conflicts happen all the time and can be resolved with
some negotiation and communication. When these don't work, however, a conflict
becomes a problem.
Is your student living
off campus?
Keep up with what's happening in his or her neighborhood through the neighborhood
Web sites.
Minneapolis
Marcy-Holmes
Neighborhood Association
Prospect Park East
River Road Improvement Association
Seward Neighborhood Group
Southeast Como Improvement
Association
University District Improvement Association: no Web site yet
West
Bank Community Coalition (Cedar-Riverside neighborhood
St. Paul
Falcon Heights Neighborhood
Hamline-Midway Coalition
Lauderdale Neighborhood
Lexington-Hamline
Macalester-Groveland
Snelling-Hamline
St. Anthony Park Community Council We
make a distinction between conflicts and problems because students unaccustomed
to roommates are prone to seeing a conflict as unresolvable, which can lead
to undue stress and frustration. Parents can assist by helping students assess
whether a difference can be resolved through communication.
- Make a roommate contract
Many problems happen when assumptions are made about the rules roommates
are living by. For example, Ann may innocently bring a friend over at a
time Barb thought was reserved for quiet studying. Taking time to talk
openly about ground rules for the room helps prevent conflicts. Making
a "roommate contract" can further clarify agreed-upon rules or norms. Community
advisers (CAs) will help roommates draw up a contract.
- Learn to communicate effectively
Effective communication is one of the core skills students have an opportunity
to master in college. Unfortunately, students are often not comfortable
(or confident) using the assertive communication essential for creating
resolution. Staff at University Counseling & Consulting Services can
discuss conflict resolution strategies and role-play situations that increase
comfort and confidence. Housing staff can also help with ideas and practice,
and the Internet offers tips on communication.
- Understand compromise
and negotiating solutions
Students need to keep in mind that there is no one solution in resolving
a conflict. Winning is not the object—the student has to give up something
but will also get something in return.
- Get to know your roommate
When first meeting, roommates tend to explore similarities more than differences.
Initially, this can help to create a good bond between them. Focusing exclusively
on similarities, however, can give roommates a false sense of compatibility
and create uncomfortable feelings when differences arise. Roommates should
strive toward a balanced view of one another. Taking time to ask about
preferences and personal needs, and acknowledging differences can be just
as important as enjoying similarities.
- Seek mediation
If contracts, communication, and other efforts fail, roommates can look outside
themselves for assistance and consultation. On campus, CAs are trained
to facilitate conflict resolution. If positive movement still does not
occur, students can consult with the residence hall director for options.
Though my brother is no longer my roommate, the frustrations and triumphs
we experienced together made us stronger and eventually brought us closer.
There are no perfect roommates, but learning to negotiate a harmonious coexistence
with another human being gives students an important opportunity to grow
as young adults.
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Dr. Scott Slattery, University Counseling & Consulting
Services, addresses questions from parents of University of Minnesota
students. He may be reached at 612-625-4568 or slatt008@umn.edu.
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