"My daughter broke up with her high school boyfriend two months ago, but it’s been a very difficult breakup. She and her ex talk on the phone several times a week, and she seems down after each call. She wants the relationship to end but hasn’t been able to let it go. "

Breakups are painful and common for young adults. It is not surprising that high school relationships end, especially when partners separate and start new lives at different colleges.

For many students, the breakup means the end of their first romantic relationship, and it’s one of the first times they have experienced the intense feelings of sadness and anger that accompany such a loss. Breakups also come with a dilemma—how do you turn to your friend for support when it is your friend who is at the root of the pain? While there are no clear-cut answers to this dilemma, cell phones can complicate things, given their potential for prolonging a state of ambiguous loss. Let me explain.

In losses such as death, there is agreement between our rational and emotional selves that the separation is final. Ambiguous loss is a term coined by University professor emeritus Pauline Boss to describe circumstances that lack that level of agreement. For example, if someone loses a laptop and is unsure whether it was stolen or misplaced, accepting this as a loss offers complications. The laptop is physically gone, but it could still be found. There is hope. Although clear loss is often painful, it enables acceptance and moving-on to happen. The presence of hope in ambiguous loss buffers against pain but can prolong resolution.

So, back to cell phones and breakups. Breakups are ambiguous losses—our rational brain acknowledges the decision to end the relationship, but our emotional brain says, “as long as the other person is still here, still calling, there’s still hope.”Distance helps students reach acceptance faster: out-of-sight, out-of-mind affirms the loss psychologically. With cell phones, however, students have greater opportunity to maintain contact or even friendships. That keeps the psychological connection active, fueling hope.

While it’s not necessarily a bad thing for partners to default to a friendship (i.e., when both partners genuinely accept that hope is no longer a factor), Dr. Boss points out that there can be drawbacks if the loss remains ambiguous. Specifically, they may experience difficulty making plans (do I plan as if we are apart or as if we will reunite?), relationship “freezing”(everything remaining status quo), or exhaustion from being on an emotional yo-yo (waiting to see if it is on or off).

Though a tempting thought, getting rid of a student’s cell phone is not the solution. Here are suggestions for your student to consider in order to move on:

1. Make a decision
Get out of the ambiguity. Is it on or off? If it’s unclear, proceed as if it is off. Don’t wait.

2. Distraction
Distraction is often used ineffectively to avoid. In moving-on, however, it can be a healthy tool. Specifically, if your student is disconnecting from their ex-partner emotionally and literally by not calling, then your student will need to connect with someone—or something—else that reaffirms personal interests, qualities, and values. It helps for students to reacquaint themselves with old friends, interests, and activities, as well as to meet new people and explore new avenues.

3. Make a daily schedule
Having an ambiguous, open-ended schedule can open the door to spending time on the phone with an ex (i.e., “I have nothing else to do”). Making specific, daily schedules gives a student focus, ways to direct emotional energy, and little time to talk with the ex.

4. Work toward closure
Not unlike other losses, it helps to practice traditions and rituals that help put the relationship to rest. Examples include writing a farewell letter or e-mail and disposing of old e-mails or letters. A big step would be erasing the ex’s number from the cell phone. Such efforts are best shared with close friends who can respect the nature of the gesture. Professional services such as personal or group counseling are an excellent option as well, providing students with guidance in this process.

Pauline Boss is author of Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work With Ambiguous Loss, New York: W.W. Norton and Company (2005).