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Communications : Past Questions for
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Identity:
theirs or yours?
From the Spring 2009 Parent Newsletter
“My student always seemed perfectly comfortable
with our Lutheran religion,
but now he’s become interested in Buddhism. He went to church with us over
the holidays, even choosing to go to Christmas Eve service without the rest of
the family, but says he doesn’t go to church when he’s in the Twin
Cities. What’s up?”
Although I’m unable to say definitively what’s up, three words come
to mind: identity, individuation, and life. One of the constant struggles we
manage in life involves the tension between being part of and being separate
from; being part of a community while also being uniquely ourselves. Identity
is most commonly associated with describing “who I am.”It is the
collection of values, interests, beliefs, and needs (among other things) that
help to define us and how we are unique (different). Identity can be applied
not just to self but also to families, communities, countries, and cultures—again,
used to articulate our respective uniqueness and sources of pride.
Growing up, children generally adopt the identity of the family—an identity
shaped by the values, interests, beliefs, and practices taught by parents, extended
family, community, and others. Doing this is functional for children; the family
identity offers comfort through its predictability and clarity and gives them
a road map of sorts for navigating in the world. Moving into the teen years and
young adulthood, however, the developmental gears of life take hold and individual
identity comes forward more strongly—a process called individuation. Emerging
young adults start to see themselves both as separate from, and as part of, the
family. While similarities between the two feel good, differences create the
unsettling proposition of feeling as though you have to choose between yourself
and your family.
Faith practices and spiritual expression are a keystone to both one’s individual
identity and one’s relationship with family. As students work to clarify
their identity and to undergo the process of individuation, they often seek to
straddle these two worlds. Given the space to explore both possibilities, students
find a path that is in keeping with their definition of self. In some cases it
remains consistent with their family practices and beliefs; in others it is different.
I sometimes hear parents express concern that “different”signals
the presence of a problem. I like to remind them that while this is at times
true, more often accepting differences into our lives promotes growth. While
we’d like to think our children will be reflections of our own values,
beliefs, interests, and needs, the reality is that even when we share a lot in
common, we are also different. Thank goodness because the unique qualities of
our children are what help the family identity grow and evolve. The psychologist
Jay Haley noted that families have a life cycle just as does the individual.
Your student is likely growing—consider embracing his journey and learning
about his new interests. This may be an opportunity for you to grow
as well. |
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Dr. Scott Slattery, University Counseling & Consulting
Services, addresses questions from parents of University of Minnesota
students. He may be reached at 612-625-4568 or slatt008@umn.edu.
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