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Breaking
through the walls of depression and anxiety Considerations
for parents of college students
From the Winter 2006 Parent Newsletter
“My son has told me that he is feeling depressed,
but he won’t talk to me about it. He says that talking
to his mother or me only makes it worse—that we stress
him out and make him feel even more down. How can we get him
to open up to us, and give him the help he needs?”
In any given year, approximately one in five Americans will experience a mental
health issue of some kind, and mood disorders are among the most common. Given
the many personal and academic stressors and developmental challenges faced
by college students, it is probably more realistic for parents to expect that
their children will experience mood concerns at some point in college than
to expect an anxiety- or depression- free four years.
 Nevertheless,
finding ways to support and help students experiencing depression
or anxiety is one of the more difficult challenges faced by parents.
Witnessing your child struggling is difficult enough, but it
is often compounded by the frustrating helplessness of not being
able to break through a seemingly impenetrable wall created by
the moods themselves.
What’s the goal?
First connection, then collaboration. Before a parent can help a student develop
a strategy to deal with depression or anxiety, a connection must be formed.
As humans we have both rational and emotional parts
of our selves. When sharing concerns about depression or anxiety, students
are usually sending an emotional message: “I’m
overwhelmed! I can’t do it. I’ll never make it in college!” Though
well-intentioned, parents often offer rational responses: “Don’t
worry; you can do it; you’ll be fine; go and talk to someone.” While
getting to rational steps and actions is the ultimate goal, moving too quickly
can derail efforts for meaningful connection and collaboration. When emotional
messages are responded to with rational responses, disconnection occurs. Start
where your student is—with the emotions.
Connect and collaborate...How?
If you’re thinking “easier said than done,” you’re
correct. Nevertheless, thinking about your response to your student’s
mood concerns as having the following two stages can help you approach the
process with more confidence and achieve hoped for results.
Stage I: Go with emotions first—make
a connection.
As I mentioned earlier, in helping your child you are likely
to be connecting with their emotional self first. So go along
with this—there will be
plenty of time to explore rational solutions later. Depression and anxiety
are painful experiences for students and can lead them to feel alone and stigmatized—“I’m
the only student going through this”—and discouraged—“I’ll
never get over this; my academic career is over!” You will need to resist
the strong temptation to go with rational reassurance—“You’re not the
only one; you will get over this”—and to stay
with the emotion—“I can hear how alone and discouraged you are
feeling about this.”
This process does not make sense, because “sense” is
a rational process and you are encountering emotions. Be patient.
As a general rule, until
your son or daughter is assured that you are okay staying with the feelings
or emotions, they are less likely to move into rational solutions.
So what can you do during this stage? Try the following:
- Be available—let your child know that they can
call you and that you are available to them; if you must
be out of touch, let them know ahead of time, and when
you’ll be available again; designate someone who
can fill in for you if possible.
- Be consistent—if you say you will do something,
follow through with your commitment.
- Be emotionally tuned in—as noted before, let
them know you can hear the emotional experience. Reflect
the emotional experience back: “That does sound
overwhelming—frustrating too. I can see how this
has been difficult for you.”
Stage II: Collaborate on a plan
Okay, so you’ve done what may be the hardest work for you in this process—listening
and connecting while holding back on planning and doing. The next stage is going
to be relatively easier—making plans to access and use resources and supports.
Some considerations:
- Avoid doing nothing—while it is important to honor
Stage I, doing things is the best antidote to improved emotional
well-being. As you are doing Stage I work, occasionally test
whether your son or daughter is ready to transition into Stage
II. This may be a fairly straightforward proposition—“I
appreciate us talking about what you’ve been going through.
Do you think you’re ready to talk about some things you
can do to start feeling better?” Be open to any response—in
some cases, you will continue to connect on the emotions; in
others, you will start talking about planning.
Stage II
resources
University Counseling & Consulting
Services
Minneapolis campus
109 Eddy Hall
192 Pillsbury Drive S.E.
Phone: 612-624-3323
St. Paul campus
199 Coffey Hall
1420 Eckles Avenue
Phone: 612-624-3323
Services: individual, group, and walk-in counseling; consultation and referral
Boynton Mental Health Clinic
410 Church Street S.E.
Phone: 612-625-8400
Services: individual, group, and crisis counseling; medication evaluation
and treatment; consultation and referral
- Avoid moving too fast—Stage II often offers more hope
or encouragement to parents than it does to students. Be mindful
of the tendency to want to do too much. For example, if you
identify three places on campus where your son or daughter
can get help you may want him or her to visit all three as
soon as possible, whereas visiting one as a start may be a
more realistic goal or expectation.
- Celebrate the small steps—in keeping with the first
point, be mindful of conveying subtle frustrations or disappointment
if your child’s efforts aren’t 100 percent initially.
Honor that he or she has moved toward DOING something and is
not still stuck in the emotions.
- Consult, consult, consult—remember that you are not
alone in this process. If you do not know what to do or what
resources are available to you, ask. Nobody expects that parents
should know how to handle depression or anxiety when it affects
their children. Give yourself permission to not know but to
take responsibility for finding out.
- Expect some cycling between rational planning and emotional
expression—parents often express frustration when their
son or daughter has a lapse back into Stage I emotions. Keep
in mind that lapses are just that—lapses. Go back to
Stage I, reconnect, and return to Stage II. Over time, lapses
become less frequent, shorter, and less intense. Be patient
and use your own supports. Stay with your plan.
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Dr. Scott Slattery, University Counseling & Consulting
Services, addresses questions from parents of University of Minnesota
students. He may be reached at 612-625-4568 or slatt008@umn.edu.
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