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Home for the Summer: Suggestions for Parents of College
Students
 Parents greet the summer return of their college student with mixed
feelings. It’s gratifying to see that your child is still
part of the family, but you know your child has changed and you
have to admit—you have changed too.
The first days following a student’s return from school rarely
meet the expectations of the student, the parents, or brothers
and sisters. Family members expect that things will be like always,
and the student will slip back into the daily routine and take
on typical family roles and chores. For the student, however, coming
home is not just a return but a genuine transition. He or she has
developed a whole new life outside the family, including new daily
patterns. Any transition requires energy, and students who have
just finished up exams, packed up their rooms, and said goodbyes
to good friends are already exhausted. They’re not prepared
to take on the stress of figuring out how to fit back into the
family.
Scott Slattery, staff psychologist at the University of Minnesota’s
counseling service, suggests that parents talk with their student
about re-entry into the family, keeping in mind that parents and
students will have different expectations.
Newly returning students will remind their parents that they’ve
managed their lives just fine without rules and curfews. Parents,
on the other hand, may want to maintain some level of control over
family schedules, noise levels during the day and night, and assignments
for household jobs. It’s true that students gain skills in
self-care at college, but it’s also true that when people
live together, it’s necessary to have agreement on how they
will co-exist. Dr. Slattery says that the family expectations that
students grew up with are like a contract. If that contract is
to be changed, it requires conversation, compromise, and renegotiation.
Some points to consider when your student returns home this summer:
- Before your student comes home, discuss plans for the first
few days. Rather than inviting grandparents and neighbors to greet
the student on arrival, Dr. Slattery suggests it’s better
to ask the student how to handle the homecoming. Maybe a quiet
day or two with time to rest, unpack, and make a few phone calls
to friends would be a better option. After a few quiet days, the
student might be more graciously receptive to a celebration.
- Students will be exhausted after the end of the semester. Parents
worry because their students are sleeping so much. They are recovering
from the stress of final exams and packing, but students also use
sleep as a way to gradually fit back into home routines. They may
appear briefly, chat a bit while having a sandwich, then disappear
back into the bedroom. A nap provides an escape and a chance to
think about what to do next.
- Students will miss their college friends. They may have family
and high school friends close by and anxious to spend time with
them, but those friends from college shared the hard-to-explain
experience of living together 24 hours a day, struggling with the
same social and academic issues, and sharing the challenges of
creating a whole new independent life.
- They never fully unpack. Boxes will be rifled through for the
essentials, but finding a place for every item they own seems unnecessary.
After all, they are thinking they’ll be moving out again
in just a couple of months, so why bother?
- They want to use the car. Students who have been without a car
all year see the car keys as the symbol of their independence.
They will not want to explain where they’re going or when
they’re coming back. In fact they don’t want to think
about those limitations. They just want to drive.
- They are on an entirely different schedule than the rest of
the family. College students strive for a course schedule that
allows them to stay up until 3 a.m. and sleep in until lunch. It
will take time to adjust to family schedules. Rather than set curfews
or try to regulate their student’s sleep, some parents have
found it useful to allow the student to set his or her own hours
with the stipulation that the house is quiet and the car is in
the garage between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m.
Discussion and compromise are important to a good start to the
summer. Dr. Slattery provides insights into the student perspective
of the return home on a podcast, “End of Semester Re-entry,” that
can be downloaded or played at www.osa.umn.edu/podcasts.
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