Voices of Experience
For every family, the first few weeks of the college experience
is—at the very least—memorable. No matter how prepared
you think you are, excitement, loneliness, depression, and a host
of other emotions may crop up at different times. On behalf of parents
of students who will be starting at the University of Minnesota
next fall, we asked parents of current students what advice they
would give. The suggestions they offered covers a range of topics
and viewpoints.
On Academics
Tell your student:
No matter what, go to class. Whether you are tired or sick or tempted
to do something more fun, go to class. You will pass just by showing
up. Also, meet your professors early, e-mail them often, stay in
front of them and demand their attention. They will not come to
you. JB
For the first semester of the first year, don't take 16 credits
worth of the hardest courses you can take. Allow some leeway for
adjusting to a new home, new people, new schedule, and long hours
of homework. SW
Your primary job is to get a good education. Focus on that. PN
Do your best. Don't be afraid to succeed. Forget about your girlfriend
at home and concentrate on academics. I wish he would have gone
to a college closer to home! JF
If you start to feel overwhelmed, talk to someone—an adviser,
the instructor, others in your class. Coming from a small school
where she knew all the teachers and all the students, it was an
adjustment for our daughter to come to such a big school. She has
felt overwhelmed at times and was a little hesitant at first to
talk to someone, but now she is not afraid to go talk to her adviser
or get help from the TAs or someone else. She knows she has to speak
up if she doesn't understand something. We've also talked about
the necessity of keeping things balanced. She is a good student
and worries too much about her grades. We have told her that giving
herself some "down time" is OK, and it is all right if she doesn't
get that 'A' all the time. MZ
On Residence Hall
Living
Roommates
Tell your student:
Don't try rooming with someone who was your good friend in high
school unless you have lived with them before. My daughter has two
roommates, one from high school whom she no longer likes very well
and one from Wisconsin who has become a very good friend. SW
Living with someone will be much different than being "best friends."
Arguments happen, and at times a neutral person, such as the community
adviser, might be needed. Set up lines of communication with your
CA and accept differences in others. Always communicate; always
leave the door open for communication. Living with others is never
easy; compromise is the only way. JC
Packing
Tell your student:
Don't think you have to bring everything with you on Move-In Day.
Throughout the first semester, you'll want things you could never
have anticipated. SW
Going
Home
Advice for parents:
Move-In Day was hard. There were so many emotions going on, and
the kids feel they don't want you around. They want to start fitting
in. If I had to do it over again, I would drop her off, then try
to get back the next weekend to help if needed, or a little later
when they start getting homesick. DC
Residence Hall Life
Advice for parents:
The residence halls are totally co-ed. I didn't realize that, at
least in some halls, the floors are not broken up by gender. I didn't
worry about it because my daughter is responsible and mature enough
to handle this, but I'm not so sure about others. I also didn't
realize that no one is really watching over the kids. Yes, there
is someone on the floor if there are problems, but no one is really
checking on them. They are on their own completely, and they need
to be responsible to keep focused and out of trouble. I'm not sure
if residence hall life is a true representation of what the real
world is to these kids. Sometimes it sounds like a big pajama party!
DC
On Career Choices
Tell your student:
It's OK if they don't have a career plan. My daughter was feeling
a little pressured at one point this year because both of her roommates
had made decisions already. Continue to advise your student to take
a wide variety of classes, and it helps if you have a friend or
relative with a unique career outcome. My niece wanted to major
in art but found she liked French better, went on a trip to France
after she graduated, got married there, and now teaches painting
and French cooking to Americans in her husband's company. I also
talk to my daughter about the promotions people have received at
the company where I work. One person had graduated from the University
of Minnesota with a bachelor's degree in communications, started
out at our company in some sort of entry-level position, and worked
her way up to a vice president position in merchandising—totally
another field. SW
Advice for parents:
The September question of the month asked parents, “How
much influence do you think you—as a parent—should
have on your student's career choice?” Their responses
are noted below, along with comments they added.
A lot—11
Some—294
A little—187
Very little—135
None—23
A lot:
- Not directly on the type of career but in helping the student
to find those skills he has and what he excels about, these will
influence the student to take decisions on their career choices.
Some:
- So long as the influence is based on the student, not the parent.
- I want to provide knowledge, understanding, and encouragement,
but I don’t want to directly influence the decision.
- Parents can help their kids by helping them learn networking
skills early, and helping them to meet people in the widest number
of
careers possible. The U.S. Department of Labor has identified over
500 job titles—most of us are exposed to only a small number.
This limits our vision of what career options are out there.
- I encourage their choices with the thought that a large group
of students change their major during their time in college. My
goal is for them to have a bachelor’s degree in something
and go from there.
- As far as helping them, think creatively about their choices
and their gifts and interests. Not influence as in—this
is what you should be doing when you grow up.
- As moral support and guidance only.
- Influencing only in respect of showing them some resources
about their interests.
- As a parent, one can only do so much and then the child must
take over. The parent should expose the child to as many options
as
possible, but ultimately, it is the child’s career choice.
- Coming from experience I think any advice is good advice to
help them make their own decision.
- As a parent you can help explain the job market, as well as
helping them to understand their passions in life, instead of
training
(and paying) for education that doesn’t apply to what motivates
them to get up every morning.
- I would hope that my child would value the life lessons that
I can share with her.
- We encourage our child to talk to as many people as possible
about possible career paths.
- It is our job to guide them toward their strengths, not tell
them completely what to do.
- To further the answer of “some” I feel that having
consistent dialogue with them for the next four years is important
since as parents we have known their strengths and weaknesses,
etc. Their career decisions are their own, but parents should be
in the loop for the discussion along with their counselors, etc.
- Children learn by example, so I think they pick up a lot of
things watching their parents, probably more than listening to
their parents.
- We should at least give them our pro and cons on the different
choices available to them.
- Available for advice when asked. The decision will be the
student’s
(they have to live with the type of work they choose).
- I think influence is more through encouragement than deciding
for her. She chose, we supported her decision.
- I just want to be a resource.
A little:
- If our child were heading down a career path that didn’t
mesh with his strengths/ is something he is obviously (to us) unsuited
for, we would have to say something. Or if the reverse were true,
we would definitely encourage him. But that’s about it.
- My son has known what career he’s wanted since the 10th
grade, so we haven’t had much input.
- Young people are not aware that some careers even exist.
- A student’s passion and calling should get the highest
respect but sometimes they’re choosing among several medium
choices and get little respect from anywhere (based on the process
for
choosing a college and a major). Parental guidance should be useful
but not overbearing.
- Any influence we’ve had has already happened
.
- We have a responsibility to encourage our children to work
up to their potential, as well as choose a career that will provide
for their self-reliance.
- Our daughter is a bright and hard working student making excellent
academic choices. We trust her judgment and just want to be supportive
of her own career and life decisions.
Very little:
- I believe the child is looking for direction, but usually not
from the parent but from the others he/she meets along the way.
- We “should” have very little. I believe that we
do influence choice in ways that we do not intend—they are taking
great notice of our vocational choices, outcomes and satisfactions.
Perhaps the best we can do is to try to encourage discussion about
and interest in career exploration.
- This is college student #4 for us and we were surprised by
the other three career choices, and I’m sure this one will
also be a surprise—our only influence was to try and motivate
them to learn and find their own path.
- My only concern is that he doesn’t end up in a position
that requires weekends and holidays. Life is too short and family
is too important.
None:
- The only thing I would want to influence would be to have my
son become knowledgeable about his chosen profession (i.e., can
he make a living at it; can he pay back his student loans with
a
job in his chosen field?). The choice of a career is entirely
up to him. We will be there to advise if he wants, but I would
not want to influence him and then find out that he hates the
choices we made for him.
Additional comments:
- A parent should always encourage a child to live and work up
to his full potential, guiding, suggesting, but not pushing.
The
decision has to be their own.
- I think this is determined by the student, not the parent.
- We should have influence, but only in support of what career
choice the student has. You can always suggest a career path,
but accept
what the student wants to do and support it. In the end you both
will be happy!
- As a parent I will gladly discuss my student’s options,
but ultimately it is my student’s choice.
- I think that parents should allow their student to decide on their
own. However, I feel that parents should always be a positive influence
on whatever choice that they make on a career.
On Commuter
Issues
Tell your student:
Sign up for the parking lottery. KW
Join at least one group or organization, which will be an anchor
for your college life. It helps commuter students feel like they
belong. The organization might be a group that meets for class,
such as choir, or the honors student group. This helped our shy
daughter a lot. TH
There are lots of nice places to find an apartment, but some very
poor choices also. PN
On Adjusting
Advice for parents:
I had no idea that our first-born leaving for college would have
such an effect on me. I knew that I would miss her, but I felt secure
in the knowledge that she was happy and responsible and could take
of herself. Then came September 1. Her departure hit me like a ton
of bricks. I think I cried every day for the first month. It got
to the point where I even hid this from my husband because I was
so embarrassed. I found myself in tears just passing by her bedroom,
or looking at that empty chair at the kitchen table.
A few months later, I spoke with a friend who happens to be a psychologist.
She assured me how common my reaction is and that I was definitely
within "normal" limits of behavior. Later I spoke to other mothers
who confided that they, too, had similar reactions. It made me think
that I needed a "mother of a college student" support group just
as much as I needed that "new baby" support group 18 years ago!
SS
I took every opportunity to call with questions. I think I spoke
with someone from every department. Since my daughter's second semester,
though, she has been responsible to answer all my questions. If
she doesn't have an answer, she finds it. JT
The whole idea of my daughter leaving home was very difficult,
to realize she would never come back in the same capacity as she
left. The best advice is the relationship will change, but for the
better. It will become an adult-to-adult relationship instead of
an adult-child relationship. You have to trust your child. You raised
them for 18 years to prepare them to become adults, now the rest
is up to them. You are still there to guide them, but they are adults—treat
them like adults. DC
Being on the campus for the first time last summer just overwhelmed
me. I was a nervous wreck! But when my son phoned the second day
of his orientation, he told me where all his classes were located,
and I found all the buildings on the map of the East and West Bank.
The University of Minnesota just suddenly shrank into this tiny
little space, which the day before had scared me so much. KW
Give him space to grow. Let go. JW
Thank God for e-mail. I never had an e-mail account until the
night we came home from moving her into the residence hall. I also
didn't know how empty the dinner table would feel. More than once,
I included her in the meal settings before I realized she would
not be home. TT
On Supporting
Your Student
Advice for parents:
Something I wish I had done that first month was to write more letters
and send a few "care packages." My thought at the time was that
I wanted to give her a chance to settle in and get comfortable without
being bombarded from home. We did call once a week and sent e-mail
several times a week. But we found out later that all of her friends
and her roommate were receiving packages from home. She felt neglected
to the point where she joked that her roommate's mother wanted to
adopt her. She was teasing, of course, but I felt terrible! With
our second child, I will definitely keep closer tabs during the
first month, and I will keep the letters, cards, and packages coming.
SS
Communicate! By e-mail, phone, etc. I put in an inexpensive incoming
toll-free number so my daughter could call any time without any
cost to her. SH
Tell your student:
Be safe and think about things before you make quick decisions.
Remember your morals and values. We also told her that we would
always be here for her, no matter what happens. FG
In General
Tell your student:
Focus on your goal. Stay in school! Keep in touch. E-mail and call
your parents and grandparents. JB
Be your own person. You have good values and morals. You can have
fun and make these years the best years of your life—but be
safe. JT
Thinking back to last September, there were so many things we told
our daughter—mainly to work hard and do her personal best.
My husband adds that we also told her, "No sex!" When she said goodbye
to her 81-year-old grandma, she probably got the best advice of
all. My mother said, "If you get in a position where you don't know
what to do, just think to yourself, 'What would Grandma do?' Then
you'll know what the right thing is." SS
Be safe and be careful making new friendships. And, of course,
study hard. We are very proud of you. LB
I think the best advice I gave my daughter was to stick it out
for a year, to commit to a year no matter what. She was very excited
about going away from home and trying life on her own. I warned
her that she would get homesick, even though she was anxious to
grow up. She knew it and agreed. However, from what I had heard
from other sources and other parents, she was right on target with
her feelings. At Christmas, she was seriously feeling like she wanted
to quit and go somewhere closer to home—we're six hours away
in Wisconsin. Or that she wanted to marry her high school sweetheart
and forget about college altogether, despite the fact that she had
been working toward a college education all her life. I reminded
her of her commitment to staying for a year and encouraged her to
honor it. Her second semester was a major turnaround. She's loving
it there and intending to continue. LS
Nothing is set in stone—roommates, classes, majors can all
be changed. Go with an open mind. Work hard and you'll reap the
rewards of your own efforts. JW
Advice for parents:
The psychologist who spoke with our orientation group told me, "Parents
worry. Kids cope." I found this to be very true. TH
We are 300 miles away and try to see each other every six weeks.
As a parent, there is no better feeling than knowing your child
is where she should be. She loves the U. It was her decision to
go there, and we are certain from her enthusiasm and success that
she made the right decision. JB
I remember most of all the advice from the students who participated
in Parent Orientation. They said, "Your son or daughter will not
be the same when you next see them...." At the orientation, we parents
were given a schedule of what to expect in the next six weeks, 12
weeks, etc. Things like, your student will call home lonely; will
call often the first few weeks, but as the year progresses and they
become part of their surroundings, you may not hear from your student
for weeks—unless they need money!" JT
The most important things we told our sons were the things said
during 18 years of raising them. What we told them when they left
was really not that important. If we have raised them with love,
compassion, and common sense, they will do well. The transition
will be easy. But the most important words were, "I love you, not
for what you are or do, but because you are you. We will always
be here to support you." And Dad said, "Go and work too hard." BK
My final piece of advice for new parents is to put parent@umn.edu
in the e-mail address books immediately! All the updates as well
as the personal responses to my various questions have been wonderful
this year. SS
1) Remind your children to pay close attention to each class'
syllabus. My son said he was not as attentive as he should have
been at first. He was used to high school where the teachers always
reminded and prodded them. Not so at the university level. Instructors
are not going to remind you when papers and oral presentations are
due; 2) The best advice I received last year was to pack a plastic,
see-through container of Advil, Tylenol, flu and cold remedies,
cough lozenges, ankle wraps. It came in handy several times throughout
the year for my son, his roommate, and friends. 3) Be sure you send
your son/daughter off with his/her health insurance card. My son
sprained his ankle badly the third week of school at the Rec Center
and they immediately shipped him off to the nearest emergency room.
Luckily he had his card with him; 4) Include Parents' Weekend on
your "must do" calendar. By then, they are lonesome and
happy to see you; 5) Relax, they are growing up and bright enough
to be there (U of MN). They will surprise you. (My son made the
Dean's List this spring.) M.H.A.
Do Something
for Yourself!
The college search and the tasks of preparing your student
for college take a lot of time and energy. When their students finally
begin college, many parents discover they have a chance to focus
on themselves for a change. We recently asked parents what they
had done for themselves when their student started college:
After the start of my daughter's freshman year, I had to leave
after unloading the car for another commitment, which was a real
blessing. No long good-byes and I had something to look forward
to. She managed to set up her computer, stereo, and bed just fine
without me. Asking for help was a good way for her to meet others
on her floor in the residence hall. At the end of September, I took
a vacation, and then I came home and started cleaning house! Closets,
drawers. I did not touch her room. A suggestion—take a photo
of the bedroom at home and mail it to your student before his/her
first visit home. My daughter accused me of cleaning out her room
when she had emptied the room herself before leaving for college.
In her mind, her bedroom should have looked just like when she was
in high school. S.F.
When our first child left for college we still had one child in
high school. Life went on pretty much as normal, but we did miss
our firstborn. The first few weeks he called almost every night,
asking questions and seeking reassurance. It was a surprise to us
but we smiled and felt connected. When our youngest started at the
U of M, her father and I moved her to school and then moved from
our family home into a smaller, newer home in anticipation of living
an easier life without a lot of home maintenance. In hindsight,
that was traumatic for our child and hectic for us, but we all survived.
Our child was concerned that we wouldn't be able to get along without
her, but we have, and it has been rather fun to rediscover life
without children constantly underfoot. Our advice is "Do what
feels right for you,” and don't let your children make you
feel guilty! We love being empty nesters! L.W.
We both got more involved with our long time interests. My wife
got more active at church, serving on more committees. I got more
active with clubs, serving on a Board of Directors, helping with
training of new members, and writing articles for the club newsletter.
I even started taking flying lessons to become a pilot of full scale
“real” aircraft! We started taking our vacations in
the fall, when rates are better and crowds are much smaller. Great!
We spend more time together following our interests, rather than
following our children's school activities. We spend more time on
the phone to our children (get a calling card: save lots of $$$)
as well as our parents. Life is full and good, but the adjustment
does take a little while. Remember, you were busy and had lots of
interests before you had children! You'll still find plenty of rewarding
and fun things to do. D.W.
Our youngest child, Katie packed up and moved to the U of M two
years ago. My husband and I began doing things we did as kids. I
began to read again and he to repair a ham radio that had been sitting
for years. Together we worked on our home and gardens and traveled.
We bought new bikes and hit the trails in earnest, and we dusted
off our tennis rackets. Through our church and a local charity,
we found outlets for our time and energy. However, after a few years
of the “good life,” we were not satisfied. We were filling
time and it was not fulfilling. After much thought and family discussion
we became foster parents. We received two little girls, babies actually,
who have since taken over our lives. This certainly is not a solution
for every “empty nester,” but after a good effort to
find our new place, we realized we just weren't ready to stop doing
all those wonderful things we did as a family. Our little girls
came with some heavy luggage. Even so, I must say the second time
around has been in many ways easier due to our emotional and financial
security. My husband and I still keep our date nights and get-away
weekends. Yet, we love being parents and nothing beats those soft
little arms wrapped around our necks and their baby voices saying
prayers at bedtime. I feel I have the best of all worlds and am
able to enjoy my older girls even more as a result. D.D.
After our kids left for college, I dug out recipes to make what
only my husband and I liked, and soon discovered that it was very
enjoyable not having to rush dinner and eat in shifts. I put on
my PJ's, put a fire in the fireplace and got a good book. Also,
it was quite nice not having to do laundry every other day. Like
the title of Marjorie Savage’s book “I’m here
if you need me,” that’s the mindset you need to obtain.
That's how we’ve coped. We have discovered how enjoyable it
is to hear about our kids’ adventures and learning about what
they're doing. And becoming friends with them as they mature, realizing
that we were their age not that long ago, and realizing that some
things don't change. The choice is not ours, our kids need to leave
and will grow up with or without us. TWS
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